A baby changes everything. As a little girl, I dreamt of one day
meeting my prince charming, getting married, and settling down to raise a
family, just like my mom. Every girl dreams this dream at some point in
their life, and I've been lucky enough to live out that dream...I met
my prince charming (okay, or my prince of the outdoors who loves to hunt
and chase animals and do outdoorsy things, but is still occasionally
romantic...I can handle occasionally...). We had a dream wedding, and on
January 30th, we brought that love full circle when Colton was born.
Don't get me wrong, from day one, I felt a love like I've never felt
before. When they first laid Colton in my arms, I was in awe. He was so
tiny and precious and dependant on us. And still is. Then we came home,
and I began to second guess our decisions -- not in the "I wish we never
had a baby" way, but in the "are we sure we can handle this?" "am I
going to be a good enough Mom?" "What if something happens?" And it
doesn't help that when they are first home...babies are kind of like
zombies. They eat, they sleep and they cry...oh, and they poop. A lot. I
think it was during those 3am feedings, when I was up, propping my
eyelids open with toothpicks while Jason and the dog soundly snored in
our bedroom, that I had time to contemplate just how much our life was
changing, daily.
Before Colton, I could get up around 7ish (usually after) and still be to work by 8am. We could jump in the car on the drop of a hat and run out for groceries, on a date, out with friends. We could go places without having to make sure we had a fully loaded diaper bag, and a baby bundled up so tight he couldn't tell it was only 28 degrees outside. We could have a few drinks with friends, and not have to worry about the outcomes of nursing or safely driving our baby home. I could do laundry 2 times a week and have more than enough clean clothes. I could fix dinner when I wanted, and take as much time in the kitchen as was needed to prepare a good meal. I could do essentially, what I wanted, when I wanted. Same for Jason.
When everyone told me before Colton came that our world would change, I thought I got it. I didn't. And really, I don't think you can get it until you actually experience it. Just as they say that if you can make it through the first year of marriage, the rest are a breeze - if you can survive that first month of motherhood, the rest should be easy. At least that is what I'm hoping for. You really start to wonder if baby truly realizes that what all you gave up for them. I'm sure some day, he'll be as grateful to us as we are to our parents. And it probably won't be until he's our age, that he truly gets what all we've given up/will give up to make him happy. But through all this second guessing, there has been one thing recently that gave me the feeling of "This is all completely worth it...".
Smiles. Sure, when he was first born, he'd occasionally smile as he drifted off to sleep, or during nursing, but it was completely obvious he had no idea he was smiling. Then, the other day, without practice, without warning, he just looked up at me as he woke up from his nap, and grinned, as if to say "Thanks Mom, you're the best!". My heart melted, completly. And it's funny, he won't just smile for anyone, which in a very selfish way, makes his smiles all that much more rewarding. But, last night, as we were eating dinner...he would smile for both me and Jason. It's like you realize that he gets who we are. He knows us. He recognizes our voices (you know, the baby talk voices we use...that we would never admit to using!) He loves us. Right now...he's sleeping here beside me in his bouncy seat, and I'm praying that when he finally wakes up, he grants me another one of those adorable grins. Until then, I'll thank God for getting me through all the "what if's" and be thankful that I'm officially a mother. And I can handle it. (I think...)
Okay...here's the proof. Understand, that he sometimes likes to grin after he spits up...go figure. He's probably laughing inside..."HAHA...more laundry for Mom!", but that's okay...it's the smiles that are my reward. Disregard the clumsy camera work...it's hard to get a good video when you're also trying to get baby to smile for you!
Today, we're off to see Great Gram Hall, then back to Grandma and Grandpa Stockments for Uncle Jacob's 13th birthday! Another fun-filled day...hopefully this nap will last for quite a while! Stay warm!
PS. I just previewed this post, and realize that if you have your sound up, you can hear my baby talk trying to entice Colton to smile for me. Disregard the retarded-ness that comes with babytalk! And yes, I did wipe him up after he spit up all over himself! :)
Before Colton, I could get up around 7ish (usually after) and still be to work by 8am. We could jump in the car on the drop of a hat and run out for groceries, on a date, out with friends. We could go places without having to make sure we had a fully loaded diaper bag, and a baby bundled up so tight he couldn't tell it was only 28 degrees outside. We could have a few drinks with friends, and not have to worry about the outcomes of nursing or safely driving our baby home. I could do laundry 2 times a week and have more than enough clean clothes. I could fix dinner when I wanted, and take as much time in the kitchen as was needed to prepare a good meal. I could do essentially, what I wanted, when I wanted. Same for Jason.
When everyone told me before Colton came that our world would change, I thought I got it. I didn't. And really, I don't think you can get it until you actually experience it. Just as they say that if you can make it through the first year of marriage, the rest are a breeze - if you can survive that first month of motherhood, the rest should be easy. At least that is what I'm hoping for. You really start to wonder if baby truly realizes that what all you gave up for them. I'm sure some day, he'll be as grateful to us as we are to our parents. And it probably won't be until he's our age, that he truly gets what all we've given up/will give up to make him happy. But through all this second guessing, there has been one thing recently that gave me the feeling of "This is all completely worth it...".
Smiles. Sure, when he was first born, he'd occasionally smile as he drifted off to sleep, or during nursing, but it was completely obvious he had no idea he was smiling. Then, the other day, without practice, without warning, he just looked up at me as he woke up from his nap, and grinned, as if to say "Thanks Mom, you're the best!". My heart melted, completly. And it's funny, he won't just smile for anyone, which in a very selfish way, makes his smiles all that much more rewarding. But, last night, as we were eating dinner...he would smile for both me and Jason. It's like you realize that he gets who we are. He knows us. He recognizes our voices (you know, the baby talk voices we use...that we would never admit to using!) He loves us. Right now...he's sleeping here beside me in his bouncy seat, and I'm praying that when he finally wakes up, he grants me another one of those adorable grins. Until then, I'll thank God for getting me through all the "what if's" and be thankful that I'm officially a mother. And I can handle it. (I think...)
Okay...here's the proof. Understand, that he sometimes likes to grin after he spits up...go figure. He's probably laughing inside..."HAHA...more laundry for Mom!", but that's okay...it's the smiles that are my reward. Disregard the clumsy camera work...it's hard to get a good video when you're also trying to get baby to smile for you!
Today, we're off to see Great Gram Hall, then back to Grandma and Grandpa Stockments for Uncle Jacob's 13th birthday! Another fun-filled day...hopefully this nap will last for quite a while! Stay warm!
PS. I just previewed this post, and realize that if you have your sound up, you can hear my baby talk trying to entice Colton to smile for me. Disregard the retarded-ness that comes with babytalk! And yes, I did wipe him up after he spit up all over himself! :)
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